Disconnect...Connect...Change the Password
Who would have thought that these few ordinary words can cause such an uplifting feeling.
Sitting asking for a sign, any sign that I'm on the right path. Where would the sign come from and how would I know it's a sign? Well...it just did...it came to me. A brief conversation with my "old man" made me realize that it's all in the drill. Often enough I want to receive confirmation of sorts that I'm "doing the right thing" and that my decisions are the best ones. Yet today it hit me. What does is matter what decisions I make if it's not all part of a bigger plan. Once I mapped out the plan or in other words "my vision" and really connected to it I began to feel as someone is holding my hand and walking with me down the path. Once I decided and accepted upon myself the belief that "I am worthy of abundance" everthing began to fall into place. First, I tried to remember what was the very one thing I have dreamt of achieving long ago before the turning point of "the car accident"? And I finally remembered. Almost 4 years down the line I remembered that I was pursuing a career in teaching English. And then, two weeks in college and BOOM it hit me at 80 miles per hour....another car sent me spinning for 6 endless spins in the highway as I screamed for help for G-d to stop the pain that came with the BOOM and save me from death. So he listened and saved me. Yet he couldn't save me from myself. It must have been years that I was going down a path of self-destruction and lack of self worth but I guess...that this particular moment of the crash I was being recallibrated to turn it all around. At first it was shock, morphium, surgery, another surgery, physio, doctors, crutches, pain killers, unemployment, depression. Then came a faze of several months of pure denial. I refused to believe that I wouldn't be able to walk properly ever again. I did any and everything to avoid dealing with the pain and disability. I worked myself day and night, I stopped going to physical therapy and stopped believing this was a "permanent" situation. And then... BOOM the second trauma came about. A third operation. This time I was even more hopeful and thought that for sure I'd get back on the horse in no time. Only then was when reality hit me. The operation was successful but I will forever remain disabled. A new rod and several nails later I could walk again yet each step was more painful than the next. Since then, I'm "learning how to walk" and how to accept what damage has been done. Since then I've discovered the damage pain killers took on my soul and body and since then I've learned that there must be an easier way. Well... there is no happy ending and in fact I've since been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which is a neurological conditon causing severe chronic pain. Only now, after accepting what my body can and cannot do can I finally understand and give thanks for this process and for what it's given me. The clarity that if I don't take the time to wish good things for myself they just won't happen. Life is not a monopoly game and there is no "chance" card. Life is truly what you make of it. So perhaps the pain and suffering brought about the ability to learn what it is I truly want to be when I grow up and how I can dream of any and everything possible and it just may come true. Today I disconnected from the internet, Changed the internet company, Resubmitted a password and Reconnected. And just like dad sad: "You've gotta reconnect and talk to him because he's listening and wants only the best for you." So dad was talking about G-d and I understoon what he meant and took it all in. I reconnected today and am beginning a learning process of "asking for what it is I want". Meanwhile G-d like always will provide me with what it is that I need.