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  • ayakaly2016

What now?

So now what? If I choose to let out steam or sulk in depression does that mean I am not grateful for what I have? Can I afford to sulk? What will my kids think if they see their mom losing hope and not pushing forward? What do choose? To settle for a 8-5 job at the price of getting hooked on pain killers again and suffering all night from the side effects? Who is supposed to take responsibility for what's happened to me? How does a mother of two provide food and education for her kids when she can barely stand up on her feet in the morning? What price does a person who becomes disabled in their 40's pay for cutting down on hours to manage pain and fatigue? The price of hunger, nights of worrying, crying, nightmares? When and who will take responsibilty? Is it the government, the city, the neighbors, family members? Who is supposed to take on the load when a young mother in her 40"s becomes disabled? Do I still have the privelege of dreaming on of what I can make of my life? Can I continue to build up my self esteem? How do I earn twice as much in half the time without depending on medication? How can I find my value in all of this chaos? Even now do I have to keep it all together? Do I have to come up with all of the answers? How do I make ends meet? My job options are down to a minimum as I can not stand for more than 5 minutes in a row, or walk for that matter? I have a functioning brain and great interpersonal skills. I'm also a killer admin, super organized and innovative. I have a wall full of certificates and lots of talent but how do I explain to potential employers or custmers what I can offer them if I'm not so sure myself? Does this mean I have to settle for minium wage because I can't work an 8-5 "accomplished" position like I did before the accident? I have dreams. I have hopes and I have a heart that wants healing. I have teenage kids that need to be fed and educated and loved. Do I have to provide them with less than what they need in order to pay the bills? What about my needs? Who will pay for medication, doctors, therapy, lawyers, surgery, sick days? Who will take responsibility for what has happened to me? Will it ever happen? Almost 4 years and I am the only one paying the price for what has taken place? When will justice be done?


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